Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
