R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You made out with two different species that night
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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