I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
