Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
they need to just BURY HIM!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
