You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
