The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
