I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
