Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
