I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
