so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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