Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I still have a little drunk in my system
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
