Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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