I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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