My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
