A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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