He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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