you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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