I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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