The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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