Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
