I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
