i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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