i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
