Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
