Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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