My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
