He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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