The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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