I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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