the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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