I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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