got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
