If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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