You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
