pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
