I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
