I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
