Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
