New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
