is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Randomize
