break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize