my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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