dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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