I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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