On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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