so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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