I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
