omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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