The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
