is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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