Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
