UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
