Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Randomize
