just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Success! We fucked roommates!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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