dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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