pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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