made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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