went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
