I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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