Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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