So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
