your thong is hanging out like whoa
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
